that flighty temptress, adventure

2012-01-06T06:59:00.000-08:00

"If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours, but she will always come back to you. She'll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are." - Date a Girl Who Reads by Rosemarie Urquico

An update, of sorts.

2011-12-06T07:00:00.000-08:00

I will never have a cute blog.

I don’t take enough pictures. I don’t use any cute instagram filters. My outfits are never put together enough to be shown off on the internet. My recipes are nothing out of the ordinary and never my own. I don’t own a house to decorate with frames and wallpaper. I don’t have any kids to recount silly stories or a horrible boss or my own business to promote.

Instead, my blog will be plain. And most of what I post will not be interesting. And it will never have a fancy header or a pretty background. I’ll post every few months, each entry becoming more vague than the last. My family will continue to be the majority of readers, my best friends will comment out of pity and all my opinions incredibly biased.

But, this blog will always be mine.

Double Deuces

2011-09-13T11:33:00.001-07:00

Tuesday was my best friend Melissa Dean Connor's 22nd birthday.

I knew for a while that I wanted to write a blog about Melissa, but I wasn't exactly sure what to say. How do you sum up the best of times (and the absolute worst of times) with a few perfectly placed words and quotations that everybody can understand?

Well, it turns out you can't.

If I had to sum up Melissa and I's friendship in one way, I'd tell you this story: A few weeks ago we were both super grumpy, neither of us having a good day. I was all the way out here in Washington DC, and she was in LA. During my lunch break, I texted her to complain. Work is blah, I'm tired, so and so is annoying, I hate everybody, etc. And I don't know whose brilliant idea this was, but somewhere along the conversation one of us decided to list all the people we hate. So we did. For over and hour, Melissa and I texted back and forth names of all the randos in the world, and both our grumpy moods were instantly cured. What does this say about Melissa and I? Well, a lot of things. Go ahead and judge the fact that we both really need to at least pretend like we like people, but that's a different story. To me it's the ultimate act of friendship. What would I do without her?

There are thousands of other stories like the above, and most I would not be able to get though without laughing. As I thought about Melissa's birthday I thought a lot about all the things we'd done together, and I made the following list. These are 22 things that sum up my favorite part about Melissa and I's friendship:

1. "I need to stop, I've done enough telesital stuff for the day"

2. Once we called our friend to take us to get McDonald's ice cream at 3:00am. After he took us through the drive thru, he asked what we wanted to do next. We told him to take us home and we ate ice cream in our beds with the lights off.

3. During our freshman year at BYU, Melissa took BIO100 at the same time all of our friends went to lunch. She ended up retaking the class a few semesters later.

4. Melissa met a boy in a hot tub and we rewrote the song "Baby" by Justin Beiber to describe their relationship. I will never sing the original lyrics again.

5. We were hiking in Yosemite and one of Melissa's shoes fell off the side of the cliff. She hiked the rest of the way down in one sock like a champ.

6. She almost always orders fettuchini alfredo when we go out to eat, but nothing beats her homemade recipie.

7. Melissa knows all the words to Jay Z's "Empire State of Mind" and will rap them on the fly.

8. The two of us commuincate via dolphin noises.

9. In order to marry Melissa you must take her to Burger Supreme at least once a week.

9. We once googled "men in pulka shells."

10. Melissa has created some genius nicknames that include but are not limited to fairy girl, the white witch, beeker and the villian.

11. People don't like to hang out with Melissa and I because we have our own conversations on top of whatever everybody else is talking about.

12. One time Melissa and I were convinced that all the Chili's had been closed and we almost broke down.

13. Melissa loves Mormon Tabernacle Choir. She calls MoTab her "jam"

14. Once Melissa used my little sister's baby pictures for a presnetation about her own life because she couldn't find any of her own.

15. Melissa Dean Connor knows every single word to Aaron Carter's "Aaron's Party" and can sing them without missing a beat.

16. We both say "sorreh" like Gilly.

17. Sophomore year we made up a dance for the ward talent show. Ask Melissa about the Reindeer Click.

18. We once attempted to create a blog called The Legit Blog where we discussed topics of variying legitimacy including Heidi Montag, Twilight and Hawiian shirts.

19. Senior year, Melissa found a long green sock in her bed that didn't belong to anybody we knew. She threw it in the hall outside our apartment and it stayed there for weeks.

20. Melissa and I know more about Vegas than you do, and are more than willing to discuss our adventures in ~da club.

21. My junior year at BYU I was completely in love with a boy I studied with. One night I came home and found Melissa making a PowerPoint slidshow presentation which displayed his best pictures and were synced with the song "SuperStar" by Taylor Swift.

22. Melissa is Jay Z, and I am Kanye West.

If you could please convince her to drop out of school and/or graduate school early and move to DC that would be much appreciated. I can't go on for much longer without my best friend.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA. EEEHHEHEHEEHHHHH.

2011-08-17T13:40:00.001-07:00

There is no eloquent or interesting way to say this, so welcome to the most boring blog post in the history of this blog.

I have a job! I've been working as the Administrative Assitant to the Finance and Operations Department for The Solar Energy Industries Association. SEIA is a the national trade association of the US solar industry and filled with incredibly talented, motivated and passionate people. I've been with SEIA for almost a month now and am very happy to be settling in. My office is located across from the International Spy Museum, National Portrait Gallery and the Smithsonian American Art Museum in the heart of DC. Yesterday I had lunch in front of the Peterson House, where Abe Lincoln died. I am a legitimate DC commuter who spends 3 1/2 hours a day hating on the Metro, swiping my commuter card and complaining about tourists (even though I was one just a few weeks ago. Irrelevant).

Because I have no creativity, I'll copy something I do frequently on my LJ.

Current Likes:

Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen

My brand new iPhone

Retelling hilarious stories from LeakyCon 2011

Current Dislikes:

Being 1,836 miles away from Provo, Utah

Until next time.

DC Adventures

2011-06-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

In my currently unemployed state I've spent much of the last 3 weeks couped up in my new Virginia bedroom studying for the GRE and sending out a billion resumes. But, I have had a chance to explore DC a little and enough time to realize how different the east coast is. I've been all over the US, and this is definitely not my first visit to the DC area, but I've never lived here. You'd think that by this day and age we'd all basically be the same - we watch the same TV shows, read the same magazines, see the same movies and (for the most part) listen to the same songs on the radio. I was shocked to find out how different DC feels. So, throughout my first adventures in the area I recorded a few observations. The following list is the result:

- DC is "The District" to locals, just like San Francisco is "The City"

- American flags are everywhere. The Metro door, on every bench, hanging over the freeway, etc.

- I've always thought wearing a watch was kind of dorky, but it's super classy here

- Everybody seems very aware of their American heritage and what it means to live in or around our nation's capitol

- You've got to know your politics if you want people to respect you

- Lots of men and women in uniform, both on and off duty

- Fireflies are so magical, all the rest of the bugs are not

- The humidity can be brutal

- A lot of people smoke cigars

- There is this sense of regality that I can't quite put my finger on

I'm really starting to fall in love with the area. I can't wait to finally have a job and start really settling in socially. I miss Provo and California (especially the people who live there) every single day, but I'm quickly becoming a DC girl.

Land of the Free

2011-05-02T00:43:00.000-07:00

It's not often that we get to enjoy a sense of pride and unity collectively as Americans, and tonight was one of those rare occasions. I could almost feel the eyes of the entire nation glued to their TVs as they announced the death of Osama Bin Laden, the sense of honor and reverence that lingered in the air as Obama talked about 9/11, reminding us that during those hours "no matter where we came from, what God we prayed to, or what race or ethnicity we were, we were united as one American family."

Once again, we can come together to be united in this way.

This is not to say that we should celebrate death or rejoice in the end of somebody's life, no matter how cruel and terrible a person. Instead, we should bask in the relief and sense of peace that has been delivered to those personally effected by Bin Laden, and be reminded of the sacrifice and power of the soldiers who keep this country free .

Let us hold on to this feeling of community and love for our country and fellow men.

Things I Know For Sure

2011-04-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

During Graduation last week, a lot of people talked about what we learned throughout our education and the things we now know. Because I studied philosophy I mostly came out of class knowing that I don’t know anything. But, even though I’ve become accustomed to doubting anything that is “known” (thanks Descartes), there are a few things I know for sure.

I know about the couches in A101, or the Man Cave as some people like to call it. To me, it’s “the boy’s.” I know that their door is unlocked 74% of the time and my favorite blanket is hardly ever in use. I know which plug works best in the living room and that everybody can see through the front window when the blinds are open. I know a lot about best friends becoming family and that fort making is not just for 8 year olds.

I know about the fourth floor of the JFSB. I know the professors by name, first and last, and can point you in the direction of their offices. I know a little about philosophy and a lot about writing papers. I know that Kierkegaard got it right when describing how to be a true Christian and Kant is tough if you don’t know what to look for.

I know about Harry Potter. I know that Harry is a wizard and Dudley is a muggle. I know that Snape had to kill Dumbledore, that it was all part of the plan that was set into motion long before any of us even realized. I know that “lumos” means lights on and “nox” means lights off. I also know exactly what butterbeer tastes like, and what it feels like to be at Hogwarts with the people who’ve made my life magical.

I know a lot about Vegas. I know what it’s like to walk down the Strip in the middle of the night and how weird it feels to drive through during the day. I know which songs at the Bellagio fountains are the best and exactly how to get to each Panda Express. I can tell you what to wear if you plan on going to The Bank or the hot tub. And I can promise you that you won’t regret staying at the Best Western Mardi Gras.

I know what it means to be a believer, to be a Christian. I know a lot about faith and a little about God. I know about scripture and prophets and church and hymns. I can tell you exactly what it means to be Mormon.

I know a lot about college and Netflix and hiking and making the perfect grilled cheese sandwich, but I don’t know a lot about “the real world.” I don’t know what it’s like to have a real full time job that isn’t a student position or a summer temp. I barely know what it’s like to be 21 years old. I don’t know how to buy a car or what it means to have money in your savings account. I still get nervous when I have to call people on the phone and I’m not eloquent or elegant. But I guess that’s part of growing up, part of picking up and moving on – my “I know” list will continue to grow longer, and for that I'm excited.

enter to learn, go forth to serve

2011-04-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of the Arts in Philosophy, and a double minor in History and Logic.

Now what?

you mean i have to leave provo?

2011-04-09T14:47:00.000-07:00

"Hey Hannah, you graduate in two weeks! How do you feel?"

How I typically respond: Excited! Can't believe my time at BYU is over. I'm really looking forward to moving to Washington DC in May.

How I want to respond: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME LEAVE THIS PLACE. WAAAAA. LIFE SLOW DOWN.

2011-04-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last few months trying to make sense of how shady people are.

It is in our human nature to hurt each other. We're inherently broken, born into this fallen state. We spend our whole lives interacting with each other, trial and error, give and take. And sometimes it works, but most of the time it doesn't. Most of the time we do the wrong thing. Most of the time we lie or cheat or say something we shouldn't. There is no rule book for human emotions, no way to rationalize and weigh our options every second of the day.

How are we suppose to survive when the world is this way?

Forgiveness.

We have to forgive. Because he hurt you today, but you're going to hurt her tomorrow. Sometimes people mean to be malicious and hateful, but most of the time they don't. We have to step back and realize we all share a common fault. Humanity is essentially inhumane, we all share this experience. Without the power to forgive we are doomed to fail.

Forgive. Forgive them just like everyone has forgiven you.

thanks for the jimmeries

2011-03-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

What an incredible season. Love my BYU boys. Sad to see it go.

and yeah, we're still mormon.

2011-02-27T22:02:00.000-08:00

Everything I do in life is defined by the fact that I'm Mormon.

"I go to school in Utah." "Oh that Mormon school?"

"Jimmer Fredette, POY material?" "He's Mormon!"

"She doesn't drink she's Mormon"

"Hi, my name is Hannah" "YOU'RE MORMON."

Yeah. I am.

It's not like I'm ashamed of my faith, you know? My religion defines a lot of who I am and who I want to be. But getting past the "Mormon Girl" definition is difficult. I'm other things, too.

I guess I never noticed it before until a friend brought it up a couple of weeks ago. I'm so used to being That Mormon Girl that it hardly phases me. But since that conversation I've been paying more attention, and I cannot escape the stereotype. Yeah I live in Utah. I love it here. No I'm not going to be one of those sister wives, or whatever they're showing on TV these days (that's not how we roll here in Happy Valley anymore, gotta go down south for that). I go to church on Sunday and spend the rest of the week involved in various church activities. My family is Mormon, I'm going to marry a nice little Mormon boy someday and have lots of Mormon babies - what gives? I like other stuff too. Philosophy and theology, lets talk religion outside of Mormonism. Harry Potter, that's kind of a big deal to me. I love hiking and camping and being outside, I could talk for hours about my outdoor adventures. I like books. I like dance parties. I really love ice cream and otter pops and... shall I go on?

Everytime BYU beats SDSU in basketball, their student section chants "you're still Mormon!" as our team leaves the court. And yeah, we're still Mormon. And apparently being Mormon means you can't be good at basketball, and it means you don't know how to have fun or live in the real world. This Jimmer Mania has added a whole new dimension to the apparent shock people have when they realize Mormons can do things too.

Maybe I'll always be Hannah the Mormon Girl. Probably. But I hope that stereotype changes from the weird cultural stigmas my religion has to and understanding of what being Mormon really means theologically. (Yeah - a girl can dream, right?).

2011-02-14T15:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we give our hearts to people who don't really deserve it.

But that's part of life, isn't it? Allowing yourself to become vulnerable in order to build a relationship. Kierkegaard said the only way we actually deceive ourselves is if we do not love. I never liked Kierkegaard's Works of Love, and on this Valentine's Day I hate it even more. It seems unfair. You know how much easier my life would be if I just gave up and became a nun?

I was crying on my bedroom floor this afternoon, thinking about all of this. Then, as I was literally giving up, I was reminded about the real meaning of love. You know, the kind that keeps you safe and comfortable, the kind that stands up for you and cheers you on, the kind I think Kierkegaard was really trying to get at.

My friends pulled me up off the floor, shoved ice cream in my face and helped me remember that there are a lot of people who come and go, but the right ones will always stay. That's so painfully cheesy, but I'm the luckiest girl in the world because I'm surrounded by genuine love. Real friendship, a family that I got to choose myself. There is nothing on this earth that could ever replace the genuine concern we have for each other. I'm rambling, but I really needed to remind myself (and everybody else ) that no matter how hard it seems right here, right now, I never have to go it alone.

some philosophy

2011-02-08T10:23:00.000-08:00

"What is our course, and what is our means of flight? We should not rely on our feet to get us there, for our feet just take us everywhere on earth, one place after another. Nor should you saddle up a horse or prepare some sea-going vessel. You should put aside all such things and stop looking; just shut your eyes, and change your way of looking, and wake up. Everyone has the ability but few use it...For no eye has ever seen the sun without becoming sun-like, nor could a soul ever see beauty without becoming beautiful. You must become wholly godlike and wholly beautiful if you intend to see god and beauty." - Plotinus

I've been thinking a lot about this idea of ridding oneself of the body and the senses in order to reach the divine and complete the process of theosis. I've been studying this idea in the light of neoplatonism recently, but it shows up everywhere. Mormon theology puts such an emphasis on the body, how it is a temple and that we should care for it, which seems to contradict the idea above. But, I don't know if it does completely. Don't have any conclusion to present, really. Just some thoughts that have been bouncing around my head the past few days.

I have one thing to say to you.

2011-01-26T22:08:00.000-08:00

JIMMER

FREAKING

FREDETTE.

Also, Jimmer is in range when he steps off the bus.

2011-01-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

I bite my nails.

All the time.

If this were a normal day, I would have already paused in writing this to...bite my nails. My fingers are constantly in my mouth. I bite my nails when I'm tired, I bite my nails when I'm bored, I bite my nails when I'm nervous, I bite my nails when I'm thinking, I bite my nails whenever I feel like it. I don't even realize I'm doing it anymore.

I've decided for the 50th time in my life to break the habit.

In high school, I had acrylics for a short time because of Senior Ball and guess who bit those instead? And I've had manicures. And my nails are always painted. I try and sit on my hands when I'm not using them to resist the temptation. Nothing seems to help.

So here's the deal. I'm done. I'm 21 years old, not 6. The madness must end and it's going to take absolute concentration and willpower on my part. I'm going to give myself a month, and at that point I'll update you all on my progress. If I've failed...well, we'll just move on to attempt #51.

Nothing changes on New Years Day

2011-01-01T14:35:00.000-08:00

I've spent a lot of time this past week staring at blank Word documents, trying to come up with some type of ~year in review~ to share. Obviously I have not succeeded, and this is the result.

2010 was by far the best year I've lived through, with 2007 coming in close second. But I can't sum up what set this year apart from the rest though pictures or top ten lists (those who read my LJ saw my sad attempt). Because writing "logic dinners" and putting a number next to it doesn't capture those nights in Shelley's apartment where we laid on living room floor and played Truth or Admit until nobody could keep their eyes open. "Infinitus" means nothing if you weren't walking around Hogwarts with some of the most important people in your life or being ridiculous in the hotel lobby. Summer afternoons by the pool, weddings, driving across the country, missing flights and long awaited reunions - writing about it just makes it feel dry and generic.

I have three goals for the new year.

First, to become better at articulating myself. To be more eloquent, to learn how to say what I feel and what I mean.

Second, to write more. By this time next year I'll hopefully be able to capture all the best moments of 2011 with words that reflect the memories.

Third - idk. But a list isn't a list if it just has two things.

Oh and by the way, I GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE THIS YEAR WHATS UP.

(this entry was just too serious, it needed some all caps action.)

"if you're not going to vegas fast, you're not going to vegas right"

2010-12-11T15:58:00.001-08:00

Remember that time we went to Vegas right in the middle of end-of-the-semester insanity?

Midget Elvis.

Fountains at the Bellagio.

Classy Saturday.

Singing God Bless the USA at the top of our lungs with drunk grandmas.

6 cups of Diet Coke at dinner and having to pee in every major casino.

Kyle winning big ($5 baby!)

Taking awkward family pictures at the M&M factory

I love Vegas more than any Mormon girl ever should.

The lights, the crowds, the FREEDOM.

Take me back, please.

it's a party in the li-brar-ayy

2010-12-08T22:03:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in the library writing a paper that is worth 95% of my grade. It is 11pm the night before it's due, and I have less than half of my rough draft done.

Of course, I'm on Facebook with the rest of my classmates trying to one up each other on how much we've still got to write. Because college isn't about putting everything you've got into each assignment, and the Philosophy department certainly knows we all only spend a few hours on these huge papers. The skill you need to acquire here is the ability to write incredibly long, eloquent philosophical analysis the night before it's due. If you've accomplished this then you've succeeded.

If only I'd discovered this sooner.

my fair lady forever

2010-12-07T00:28:00.000-08:00

Professor Henry Higgins.

The first man I ever fell in love with.

"You see, the great secret, Eliza, is not a question of good manners or bad manners, or any particular sort of manners, but having the same manner for all human souls. The question is not whether I treat you rudely, but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better."

2010-11-27T22:31:00.000-08:00

There's something about coming home that helps me put everything in perspective. Removing myself from "the real world" and sitting at the kitchen table with my family.

Lots of time to think.

Thinking about who I am.

Who I want to be.

What I want.

What I need.

Where I'm going to end up.

I'm at this exciting/scary point in my life.

Graduating from college in April.

After that?

I can go wherever I want to go.

Be whoever I want to be.

Big city, small town.

Grad school or career.

Settle down or run around.

I want it all.

this is my family.

2010-10-30T16:06:00.001-07:00

PAY DAY.

2010-10-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

It happens every two weeks.

To celebrate, my roommate Aly and I pump up NSYNC's Just Got Paid (Friday Night).

Because it's Friday night. And we just got paid.

We ignore the fact that this paycheck will hardly cover rent.

We don't think about the groceries we need to buy.

You mean people actually have money in their savings account?

WHO CARES.

At least for tonight, we're rich.

2010-09-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

Senioritis.

Anyone who tells you that doesn't exist in college is lying to you, big time.

I guess I've just sat on the couch after midnight staring at blank word documents while my mint medley herb tea gets cold one too many times.

Oh yeah, I'm going to grad school after this.

sleeping all day, staying up all night

2010-08-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm so sore from my Half Dome hike, I can hardly make it down the stairs. My blisters are still healing, and it'll take some time before my awkward farmer's tan is gone. I still haven't put away my Ravenclaw tie, it's laying next to my empty bottle of pumpkin juice. The thought of getting into a car for 12 hours tomorrow is bringing back memories of trying to stay awake while driving through Kansas in the middle of the night as we trekked across the country.

Remember that time we almost got struck by lightning?

How we had free butterbeer at Hogwarts?

When we took a 45 minute nap at the top of Half Dome?

This summer has been incredible to say the least. Summer of irresponsibility, summer of adventure. The perfect playlist, new dresses and hours of skype. Sunset by the Mississipi, afternoons next to the pool and some excellent books.

Finishing packing up my room now, trying to shove all of my belongings into two suitcases. Still trying to figure out why I thought bringing home so much stuff was a good idea. Pretty soon I'll be off to the beach to spend my last night in California.

Guess what? Fall 2010 is finally here.

2010-08-16T00:13:00.000-07:00

I keep writing.

And I keep deleting.

The words aren't coming out right.

don't stop believing

2010-08-01T22:01:00.000-07:00

hold on to that feeling.

I STILL HAVE PPD OKAY.

who needs cash when you've got love?

2010-07-21T11:56:00.000-07:00

I just spent six days in Orlando, FL at Infinitus. Since the moment I landed, I've been struggling to find the words to describe what I was seeing, thinking and feeling. My journal entries from the trip consisted of "I cannot describe how magical this was" or "how am I suppose to put this feeling into words? This struggle has continued as I've come back home and had to respond to the "how was it?" question.

How was it? What was it like to legit be at Hogwarts with some of the most amazing people I've ever met? How did it feel to scream Don't Stop Believing, watch the Harry Potter Alliance receive $250,000 and talk about how Potter has changed my life until unheard of hours of the morning?

I cannot even describe the feeling.

I am the luckiest girl in the entire world. I cannot believe that I have had the privilege to know the people that I know and to experience the things I have experienced through Harry Potter. Looking back over this trip and the past six years of my life, I wonder what I did to deserve all of this. I have been able to spend time with Harry Potter, and the people that have made this fandom incredible. The friends, the inside jokes, the stories that we all retell until everyone in our "real life" tells us to shut up. How will I ever repay JK Rowling?

Happiness that cannot be explained.

I walked through Hogsmede at night, towards Hogwarts with a butterbeer in hand. It really happened. And I hope I never forget this feeling.

revolutionary, i know.

2010-07-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

Even as an aspiring philosopher amateur logician (could I sound more pretentious? Yes. It's what I go to school for) I have to admit something - emotions trump logic. Always.

I was on the phone with my roommate/best friend/occasional partner in crime this evening, venting about what every other 21 year old girl would vent about - a boy. You've all been there, you all know what I'm talking about. We finished discussing his character flaws and exchanging the latest terrible thing he'd said or done and hung up. A few minutes later she txted me saying something along the lines of "you know, maybe we should just ignore the people that hurt us. revolutionary, I know."

But it really is.

Somewhere between the silly facebook messages and late nights driving in his car, all the "bad stuff" just falls away. I forget when it hurts because most of the time it doesn't. Because somehow feeling like somebody cares, like you're trusted and important is better than knowing that you're just like everybody else. It's something that we as humans crave, the thrill and rush of being somebody. So we keep picking up the phone, keep laughing at the jokes that aren't really funny, keep waiting around to finally be the exception. But it's a vicious cycle that leaves us sulking on the floor of our bedroom or blogging on a Wednesday night. And tomorrow I'll wake up and forget about feeling hurt or angry or tired and jump right back in. Head first.

And so will you.

2010-07-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

The view from our house on the Outer Banks.

Can we stay here forever, please?

Celestial Haven

2010-06-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here with my computer open trying to think of something clever to write. All us kids are back at our beach house while the adults finish up our extremely unfair and biased wallyball tournament. Halfway through the trip, and we're all kind of exhausted. Instead of trying to be witty and entertaining I'm just going to highlight some of the best parts of the trip (mostly for you, dad!) before it's time to head back to the beach.

- Paige got stuck in the World's Largest Hammock

- Playing in the ocean for hours, and then going back for more

- Kayaking on the sound right behind our house

- It was raining and pouring, so instead of sitting around the house we went into the hot tub, where we all sat in the downpour getting soaked. Since we were already wet, we decided to run down the pier in our swimsuits with the thunder and lightning flashing all around us.

- More rain again this morning, and we were sick of sitting around inside. So we jumped on our bikes wearing nothing but our swimsuits and rode down to to beach with our boogie boards. In the storm we rode the waves until the current was too strong.

- Laying in the sun at the beach

- Searching for sand crabs

- Running around with the cousins

- World Cup breaks at 2:30pm

I'm kind of exhausted. But this trip has been one of the best, and I'm glad it's far from over. More adventures to come!

"sounds like a personal problem"

2010-06-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

By the time I found myself washing my face and cleaning off as much as possible in the Welcome to Kentucky visitor center bathroom, we'd been on the road for over 24 hours. As Paige and I stumbled out of the car, a little girl next to us stared at Paige and said to her mom, "that girl looks crazy!" True we'd all hit a low point in the hygiene area, but who in the world is this little girl?!

Utah. Colorado. Kansas. Missouri. Illinois. Kentucky. Tennessee.

We're currently outside of Nashville, having stopped to watch the USA world cup game (which we lost, by the way. But that's a different topic that I cannot get into without spewing for hours) and get some real sleep before the final 12 hour push to our destination in North Carolina.

Between the Kentucky bathroom and my now-showered state in this Tennessee hotel room we had quite the adventure. We were all getting tired, so as we came up to Nashville we decided to turn off the freeway and explore the city a little bit. Just as we began our self guided tour of a place none of us had ever been to before, it started pouring rain like I've never seen. The streets were almost flooding as we inched our way through downtown, shouting things like "drop me off at that bar so I can watch the world cup with my fellow Americans!" and "I wanna see some real legit country stuff" etc etc. We were squinting out the windows looking at some metal towers when lightning struck right by our car. All five of us screamed. Lightning! We were almost struck by lightning! Mom took that as our cue to leave, and we drove back to the freeway in search of a hotel that had a pool and free wifi.

Between games of Factory or City?, screaming Miley Cyrus while driving through Kansas City at 1:30AM and taking jumping pictures at almost every state sign I'd say we've been making pretty good time.

Hosking World Domination 2010

2010-06-24T11:18:00.001-07:00

And by World Domination, I mean Domination of the I-70.

My mom, siblings and I are packing up and driving across the country. Why? Why not. Knowing us, it'll be an adventure filled with obnoxious singing, hilarious inside jokes and less bathroom breaks then we'd like. My mom, Paige and Abby are already on their way from California to Utah, where they'll pick up Jake and I. We've made the drive between California and Utah more times than I can even count, but a cross country roadtrip is something we have yet to conquer.

Since something entertaining is bound to happen across those 3,000 miles I figured I'd better blog about it. Starting tomorrow, look forward to annoying pictures I've taken from the front seat (yeah I just called it) that aren't funny to anyone but me, quotes from Jake and a list of songs we've been screaming along to.

Abby and I will also be tweeting more than necessary. Follow us!@hannahetoile & @MissAbbyCadabby

Midwest America, get ready.

i am a contradiction.

2010-06-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

How come as soon as I'm getting everything I've wanted, I don't want it anymore?

I swear, I'm never satisfied.

no need to say goodbye

2010-06-22T13:46:00.000-07:00

Leaving Provo is always hard.

Cleaning out my desk drawer, sifting through movie tickets, sticky notes with funny quotes and to do lists and old pens with no ink left. Throwing away tests and papers, gum wrappers and receipts from one too many trips to get ice cream.

I'll miss my friends. I'll miss campus. I'll miss Y mountain and waiting at the light to cross University Ave. I'll miss my crappy apartment, not knowing anyone in my ward and laying by the pool all afternoon.

But, I know I need a break.

Summer belongs to Potter, not Provo.

It's Potter season. The Infinitus Google doc, booking flights and creating packing lists. The "I'll see you soon!" comments on facebook are flooding my news feed. We'll be at Hogwarts in less than a month.

because most of the time, i just want to be a mom

2010-06-14T22:53:00.000-07:00

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.

I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."

Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Awkward Times in the Laundry Room

2010-06-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

I hate the laundry room. People always seem to walk in right as you’re pulling your undies out of the dryer. I hate making awkward conversation with random acquaintances, and I hate it even more when I’m washing my clothes.

Today was no different. I was pulling my undies out of the dryer (see, timing is everything) and he walks in. EQP is beautiful. I like to refer to him as my husband. He has been in my ward at church since August, and we’ve yet to have a real conversation – but that hasn’t stopped me from being “madly in love with him” because I totally am. I didn’t see him at first, but then he walked past me (again, as I’m pulling out my undies) and says hello.

EQP: Hey.

Um, why are randos talking to me in the laundry room? I turn around. EQP YESSSSSSS BUT WHY NOW.

Me: Oh, hey.

EQP: Hannah, right?

Me: Yeah. And I know I’m suppose to know you’re name, but I don’t…

Good job Hosking. Try and be smooth. I’m totally lying, and he knows it. I creep on him every Sunday and sometimes during the week, of course I know his full name. First, last, middle. I’m good.

EQP: It’s ____ (what if he’s secretly in love with me and stalks my blog? I CANNOT REVEAL THIS INFORMATION. Well. I could.) Nice laundry, Hannah.

Crap. The undies.

Me: Haha, well thanks. You too I guess?

EQP: Haha I guess.

Me: Well, have a nice day.

EQP: You too, see ya.

I grab my laundry bag and sprit out of there. Did I mention I was barefoot? Maybe that makes me seem ~down to earth. No, you’re right, it just makes me a crazy girl.

We’re so meant for each other, right?

i get by with a little help from my friends

2010-06-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

You know what's funny? You meet people, and you just assume they'll be temporary friends. You know what I'm taking about, those few people you stumble across by chance and you figure it'd be nice to have their company for a while but doubt they'll stick around.

That happened to me once. I "met" some people in a chatroom (insert dirty old men comments here) and I hardly even knew their real names. I didn't think they'd be around for very long, and I'll admit I called them my "fake friends" for quite a while.

Well, I just booked a flight to go spend a week with those "fake friends" in Florida this summer, five years after we first met. They're helping me get there because they genuinely love me. I'm actually sitting here at my computer in tears because I am so grateful for them, for YOU. Do I deserve this? Not really. I'm sure a lot of good could have been done with that money, a lot of people need help. But I am so blessed to have the friends that I do.

I've been struggling recently with some of my friends here in Provo. People leaving, people being shady. I just assumed the people I've met over this past year would be in my life forever, and while some of them will be most of them won't. But life is a funny thing - who would have guessed that my rando internet friends would be better than some of my "real" ones?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Potter Con planning to do :)

summetime so far

2010-06-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

The perfect playlist.

Biology homework by the pool.

Reading ten books since the end of April.

Dresses from Target.

Kool-Aid.

Sunday dinner in the grass.

Open windows.

Planning epic adventures.

I cannot get enough of the sun.

see you in another life, brother

2010-05-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

I get attached to fictional characters. Really attached.

But hey, I'm a nerd. And I guess falling-in-love-with-people-who-don't-really-exist is just part of my resume. I think something Harold Bloom once wrote sums up everything I feel. He said, "Imaginative literature is otherness, and such alleviates loneliness. We read not only because we cannot know enough people, but because friendship is so vulnerable, so likely to diminish or disappear, overcome by space, time, imperfect sympathies, and all the sorrows of familial and passional life."

What brings about this sudden confession that I sometimes (actually mostly) prefer the fictional world to the real one? The series finale of LOST. Go ahead, laugh at me. I was laying on the couch watching the final minutes of the show, and I was sobbing. Like, uncontrollably sobbing at what was happening on the screen. A few of my roommates who have never seen the show joined me for the finale and they just stared at me. The screen went black, I turned off the TV, curled into a ball and continued to cry and cry and cry.

I guess it's easier for me to invest myself into something predictable, something I feel like I can control. And yes, I just did use the word "predictable" to describe LOST. There's a first time for everything. But really, as I was laying there crying thinking about Jack, Kate, Ben, Sayid, Hurley and all the Losties I've grown to love over the years I started to think - I'll actually miss these guys. While the "real world" is so unpredictable and difficult to handle, I always knew this: Jack was going to try and be the hero. Ben was going to be shady. The Island was going to do some crazy things. Locke was always going to be a man of faith. They couldn't ever leave me, they were always there week after week. I could invest everything I had into their stories because I knew none of them were going to leave halfway though. It was easy.

Maybe that's my biggest flaw, my inability to stay invested in the "real world" because it's too unpredictable, too hard. I'm forced to give my heart to actual people who have the ability to break it. I have to work for friendships, I have to let people in, I have to accept myself for who I am. I can't sit from a distance and yell at the screen, I can't shut the book when I need more time to think. Participating when the going gets rough. It's the hardest thing for me to do. To express how I feel, to tell people I'm upset or happy, hurt or excited - I've yet to learn how. Maybe I can try and learn as I spend more time with the fictional friends I've grown close to in my lifetime. Maybe I never will, maybe I'll end up old and alone in some attic apartment surrounded by characters instead of people. Or maybe someday, I'll have the courage to say exactly what I want to say to exactly the right people like every fictional character I've ever admired has done.

Until then, It's back to the Pilot episode of LOST. I think I need another six season run before I'm brave enough to face the future.

2010-05-09T22:23:00.000-07:00

I turned 21 on Thursday, May 6th 2010.

On Saturday, May 8th I sat on the couch while my grandma read me a book about a cowboy and his lost horse.

21 is just a number.

2010-05-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

I’m not packing up this weekend to go Mother’s Day Camping.

For the first time in 15 years, our camping pillows are not being pulled out of the bottom of the closet while Dad throws the tent in the back of the truck. The camping box is still on the shelf in the garage. Nobody will fight over having to sleep on the purple pad, I won’t call dibs on the right side of the tent.

Since forever we’ve gotten out of school early on Friday (and sometimes even on Thursday if we were lucky). We’ve thrown our gear into the car like professionals and driven to vaguely familiar locations. Lunchtime by the water. Exploring. Spoons Tournament. Campfire stories. Cards. Hiking. Jolly Ranchers. Boys v. Girls War. Manhunt. Then, as soon as we’re settled and dirty we pack everything back up and drive home on Sunday.

Melting spoons and the bottom of our shoes on the fire pit. Attempting to build a bridge across a small river. The Umph Tree. Indian corn. A two day long soccer game with a score of 56 to 64. Water wars. Tying people to trees. Ticks in our clothes. Riding a log down a river. Rope swing. The story of the Seven Crosses. Snipe hunting. Defending our firewood pile. Getting lost on the side of a mountain. Capture the flag. Eating 10lbs of potatoes in one night. Singing as we hike. The Cannibal Club.

Broken bones and broken hearts.

Epic afternoons and quiet evenings.

Growing from kids to teenagers to adults.

What I wouldn’t give to be sprinting down a mountain, pants ripped and dirty, hair in a braid (tied with a bow of course), screaming in the middle of an intense game of manhunt.

Here's to Mother's Day Camping 2011?

nicknames

2010-04-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

I realized the other day a lot of my friends don't even call me Hannah.

Han

Marin

Miss Marin

Hannah Banana

Nann

Hannie

Hannah Montana

Montana

I like my name. But I think a nickname is the best thing a friend can give.

sometimes you can't make it on your own

2010-04-17T23:39:00.000-07:00

I was three years old when I moved into the Clayton Valley First Ward.

Funny enough, nothing has really changed since then.

No matter how old we get, no matter how far we go, we'll always be those awkward 15 year old kids. We've always had each other, and we always will.

State lines separate us all (but for the first time in two years, we're all back on the same continent). Marriage. College graduation. Graduate school. Jobs. But it doesn't really seem to matter.

We'll always have those afternoons in Sunday School, hiding under the desks and playing pranks on all of our teachers. Awkward Stake Dances, Youth Conference (Jimbo III, anyone?) and camping trips. The more we grow up, the more we stay the same. We're pretty lucky...

And I wouldn't mind if we never really change.

2010-04-16T23:09:00.001-07:00

I am a princess.

All girls are.

Even if they live in tiny old attics

(or a basement apartment in Provo, Utah)

Even if they dress in rags

(well I can't really claim this one)

Even if they aren't smart, or pretty, or young.

(up for debate?)

They're still princesses.

All of us.

Didn't your father ever tell you that?

2010-04-10T01:12:00.001-07:00

I've got a lot to talk about these days.

But the trick has been trying to figure out how to say it, without actually saying it.

You follow?

2010-03-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

“There is in the living act of perception always something that glimmers and twinkles and will not be caught, and for which reflection comes too late. No one knows this as well as the philosopher. He must fire his volley of new vocables out of his conceptual shotgun, for his profession condemns him to this industry, but he secretly knows the hollowness and irrelevancy. His formulas are like stereoscopic or kinetoscopic photographs seen outside the instrument; they lack the depth, the motion, the vitality. In the religious sphere, in particular, belief that formulas are true can never wholly take the place of personal experience”

- William James, Varieties of Religious Experience

in our lovely deseret

2010-03-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

To outsiders, dating life in Provo seems absurd. Married by 20? Old maids by 21? DTRs and PDTs, dates every weekend with random boys from Book of Mormon class, engagements announced every Sunday during Relief Society's "good news minute" (when will us perpetually single girls get to voice our bad news?).

To those inside, it's not any less complicated. Security rings and pulling the missionary card, studying on the 1st floor of the library rather than the 4th floor and avoiding eye contact in the JFSB are tactics I'm all too familiar with. I've been sidestepping my way though the BYU dating scene for three years now, and I've become somewhat of an expert at dodging and being too busy to go out with that boy from my 1:30pm class every Friday night for the past two months.

http://byudates.blogspot.com/

These girls blog about their dating experiences, not too different from my own. They're funny, they're witty, and I think they've got it right.

what i miss the most about home

2010-03-21T00:02:00.000-07:00

need i say more?

fake it to make it

2010-03-15T21:54:00.000-07:00

"You're so smart Hannah. Seriously, you're one of the smartest people I know."

To be honest, I get that a lot. People see me as a type of Hermione Granger in the flesh, top of the class, straight A student. I care a lot about school, I spend a lot of time in the library, I'm majoring in Philosophy...it must be true, huh?

False.

I'm good at pretending.

2010-03-01T22:39:00.000-08:00

School gets busier and busier.

I get less and less interested.

2010-02-28T19:21:00.000-08:00

"The prince of darkness may be a gentleman, as we are told he is, but whatever the God of earth and heaven is, he can surely be no gentleman. His menial services are needed in the dust of our human trials, even more than his dignity is needed in the empyrean."

- William James, Pragmatism

Francis Cardinal George BYU Forum

2010-02-23T12:00:00.001-08:00

Today Francis Cardinal George came to BYU to address the student body during our university forum. The title of his presentation was Catholics and Latter Day Saints: Partners in Defense for Religious Freedom. The Marriott Center was full, and the thought of half of the student body listening to this man preach philosophy and interfaith dialogue was pretty much a dream come true.

He discussed the importance of deepening the partnerships and friendships between Christian faiths through common interests and dialogue, standing together to promote morality and dignity in our society today. Society is working to reduce religion to a private reality, and if we do not use the freedom we have been given to voice our faith we may lose this privilege. Let us defend religious freedom, let us participate in the public sphere and let our voices be heard.

Talking together, working together, praying together - it is vital that those who proclaim faith in Jesus Christ stand together for what we all believe in. "Together we can become a true blessing for each other and the world" Francis Cardinal George said as his closing remarks.

Understanding the religious convictions of those around us is vital to our society today. We can work together to promote so much good in the world, if only we soften our hearts and open our minds.

story of my life

2010-02-17T10:16:00.000-08:00

2010-02-06T22:04:00.000-08:00

"Cinderella believed in dreams, all right, but she also believed in doing something about them. When Prince Charming didn’t come along, she went over to the palace and got him.”

- Walt Disney

in which i complain

2010-02-05T08:05:00.000-08:00

You know those Friday mornings that come too quickly after a long and restless Thursday night? And you almost don't make it out of bed, but then you do and you feel like you've filled your quota of productivity for the day? But then you remember it's only 7:00am.

You know those mornings when you're trying to make bread and you can't find the 1/4 cup and you're too tired to guess and so you just stare at the kitchen drawer for 20 minutes because you feel like the world is ending?

You know those mornings when you're trying to finish up the essay you should have written last night, and you're just sitting at your desk, minding your own business and all of a sudden the chair your sitting on breaks and you're laying on the carpet trying to figure out how in the world a chair leg just magically falls off and then you realize maybe it's because you had seven pieces of pizza the day before and haven't really gone running since October.

And then you realize all your pants are dirty.
And your essay is still not done.
And Valentines Day is coming and you're going to have to survive through another one at this marriage obsessed school.
And there won't be time for a five hour Friday afternoon nap today.
And instead of fixing any of this, you just sit on the carpet an blog about it. Because that's how problems are fixed these days.

(lolmylifeissohard)

where were we before the quake?

2010-01-19T22:16:00.000-08:00

Like the rest of the world I've watched in horror as the situation in Haiti continues to unfold. Cities that have been completely flattened, the desperate need of food and water, bodies being piled into mass graves, pulling victims out of the rubble. It's terrifying, and I've come to appreciate more and more the luxuries I take for granted.

But at the same time I can't help but wonder - where were we before the earthquake hit?

Did you know that in Haiti only 40% of the children have access to basic health care? Half of the deaths are contributed to AIDS/HIV. The average Haitian makes $2 a day, making Haiti one of the poorest countries in the Americas. 80% fall below the poverty line. The literacy rate is about 65%.

It is a tragedy that an earthquake of this magnitude hit such a poor country at this time, but they needed help before this. I don't have much room to talk, seeing as I haven't given countries like Haiti a second thought since I took Geography my Freshman year here at BYU. But it makes me wonder why we need disaster to reach out to countries in need. The United States has been giving aid to Haiti (30% of Haiti's national budget comes from foreign aid), but how many people knew that? What more could we do if we realized how much we have, how much we can give?

Basically, I just want to remind everyone (and myself included) that there are so many countries and peoples that are in desperate need of help with or without natural disasters. Maybe if we paid more attention to the world around us we would be motivated to contribute to humanitarian efforts, or at least be more thankful for what we have.

the faces stay the same

2010-01-03T11:46:00.001-08:00

The eight of us were sitting in Digger’s Diner early Monday morning, ordering the same thing we’ve been ordering for years. At first glance you’d never be able to tell that we all spend 90% of the year away from each other, in different states with different friends. We laughed at the same jokes we told in high school, told the same stories and asked the same questions. From the outside, you’d never know.

I drove home that morning by myself. It was still early and the streets were quiet. I drove past Starbucks and the high school, past the swimming pool and the park. Everything was exactly the same as it always has been, and yet it felt so different – like I didn’t belong anymore. It felt like we were just going through the motions. We only had breakfast together because we had to, not because we really wanted to. Sure we were sitting at the same table laughing at the same things, but it was obvious that our minds were somewhere else. As I turned off the main road towards my house, it hit me: we were visitors in the city that once was ours.

Growing up is inevitable. Leaving home is just part of life. For a while we were able to come back in December and August and recreate the memories, postpone the feeling of intrusion, draw out the friendships we relied on for so many years. But I think we’re past that point now. As our little group of friends scatters across the globe we only have the memories, ones that now seem haunt us as we drive the streets we once knew.

As we continue to grow older and grow apart, as we graduate from college and move across the country, as we get married and start families of our own, we’ll always have the memories of each other. But I’m starting to realize that things cannot be the way they once were, and growing apart doesn’t mean caring less. We just have different lives now. It’s weird and it’s hard and dealing with this realization over the past week has been tough, but it’s part of life, there’s no way to stop it.

We’ll keep coming back home. We’ll continue to visit the places we used to frequent as kids, we’ll still laugh at the memories and keep each other updated on our new lives. But Concord belongs to a new generation. It’s time for us to go.

i'll be home for christmas

2009-12-16T12:41:00.000-08:00

you can count on me :)

(but only after i take my logic final and turn in two 20 page papers)

epistemological dinosaurs

2009-11-20T15:55:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I was privileged to participate in Standing Together: The National Student Dialogue Conference III at BIOLA University in California. This "improbable dialogue" was life changing to say the least, and it was the first of many more dialogues to come in the future.

Historically, Mormons and Evangelicals have never gotten along. We disagree fundamentally on almost everything, making it near impossible to sit together and even pretend like we understand. The point of these student dialogues is to open up these discussions, to bridge the divide and eventually find some common ground that we all can stand on together. After all, we both claim to be Christian faiths.

The conference focused around four main presentations, each with a talk given by a Mormon and then an Evangelical. We discussed faith and reason, the idea of grace, Christology, the nature of God and personal conversion. There were two round table discussions where the floor was opened up and the real "dialoguing" began. Out of the 100 or so people in attendance, 10 were Mormons, and so we were severely outnumbered. I sat in my chair at the round table group I was assigned to, shaking. Scriptures in hand I did my best to answer every question that was fired at me, from our idea of grace and works to the temple to my own personal conversion story. Could I answer all the questions they posed? No. Was I close to tears as they critiqued my faith? Yes. But never once did I feel attacked. If we're ever going to understand each other, it's going to start with us students. If we're ever going to bridge this divide that is so deeply rooted in our faiths, then we have to put everything out there on the line and hope that we can at least come to an understanding. Will it happen in the next year? Probably not. But that won't keep us from trying.

Comparative Religion is becoming more and more important to me as I study Philosophy here at BYU. How often do we stand in the safety of our own castles and throw arrows at those of other faiths? How quick are we to judge and point fingers, calling each other "right" or "wrong" without even understanding what the other believes? We cannot sit around and look at the religious convictions of others through the eyes of our own faith. We must suspend our belief, even for a moment, to clearly see the faith of our fellow men. We shouldn't be afraid of taking a critical look at our own beliefs, because when it's all said and done we will come out stronger and better equip to move forward.

What is truth? How do we know something? Is there a single truth that we all should adhere to? What do we leap for? What is the role of faith and reason in conversion? These are all questions that will probably never be answered in this life, but I love diving into them and attempting to get to the very center of our religious lives. I'm a philosophy major - jumping into discussions like these is like pulling candy out of a stocking at Christmastime.

Between appraising the validity of our arguments over dinner to relating our personal conversion stories in the dorm lounge well after midnight, I learned a lot during my weekend at BIOLA. We don't agree on anything, but we're cultivating friendships and a sense of understanding that can hopefully strengthen our own personal testimonies and future religious endeavors. We'll continue to dialogue, continue to hash out this idea of religious truth and eventually, when we all get to the other side, we can come to an ultimate understanding of who we are and what our purpose has been and will continue to be.

2009-11-07T21:51:00.000-08:00

I want to start posting more philosophical things on here. I spend almost every waking moment thinking about topics in philosophy, and it's about time I share some of that here. While attempting to do Kierkegaard, Aristotle or William James justice may seem like an impossible task, I think it's about freaking time. Don't you?

sweet caroline (ba ba ba)

2009-11-07T18:36:00.000-08:00

favorite things.

- a quick glance
- hotel pens
- sleeping in
- provo in the fall
- rainy friday afternoons
- otter pops
- midnight txt mesages
- cute headbands
- road trips
- free t-shirts
- breakfast for dinner
- ballet flats
- good philosophical disucssions
- summer nights
- mint medley herb tea with brown sugar
- dance parties

you can't kill it with goodbye

2009-10-17T19:17:00.000-07:00

I've learned something this past week.

People come and go. Places change. Friendships rearrange.

We grow up, we move on.

But the people who matter most will always come back.

Always.

this is no time to reminisce.

2009-10-05T21:16:00.000-07:00

It's 10:15pm and I'm sitting in the library, "writing" a paper that is due tomorrow. I have 4 out of the 12 pages written. Productive night? Well it was, until this song started playing.

Closing time, time for you to go out, go out into the world.
Closing time, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
I know who I want to take me home. Take me home.

Suddenly I was back in the canc, picking myself up off the stained blue floor and throwing away the now empty cup that once held a mint oreo shake. The boys push open the doors and the cold winter air hits our faces and our eyes adjust to the darkness. The breeze pushes us back to our dorms as we laugh and yell at each other across the quad.

When the boys turn the corner on their way back to Merrill, us girls sprint back to Chipman, trying to beat the cold. We race up to the third floor, smiling and panting. By the time we make it back into our rooms and throw our jackets on our beds, the boys have made it online and the skype calls begin.

I should be thinking about Kierkegaard and the Inconsistent Triad, the story of Abraham and Isaac and whether or not one can go beyond faith. But instead I'd rather think of other things.

Playing Chinese Fire Drill in Vegas, climbing into the arms of an Indian statue and proceeding to break the five second rule, running through the kitchens of the canc, parking lot dance parties in St. George, pushing the emergency button on the hill, climbing snow covered mountains at 3am, chasing after deer, going to Walmart at 2am, running across 4 lanes of traffic in the dark, eating a fully cooked rotisserie chicken on the floor of Albertsons, pouring quarters into the Ultimate Bean Bag Shoppe at Denny’s, going to the dollar theater instead of going to class.

Remember?

Screaming I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) at the top of our lungs as we raced down the freeway after another epic weekend. Eating Marshmallow Maties during Sunday School and drinking vitamin water at lunch. Staying up until 2am and going to class at 8am. Wasting gas and screaming in the middle of campus, laughing in the library and video chatting during PoliSci.

Remember the glances? The inside jokes? Remember how we had our own language, how we didn’t need anyone but each other. The smiles, the smirks. The never ending conversations and stories we couldn’t tell fast enough.

Eternity one break. Remember?

and then there were two

2009-09-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago we bought three fish from Walmart and named them Vegas, Dumbledore and June 25th, 2010 - the only things we really care about in this apartment.

"If Dumbledore dies, that will make sense," we said as we left the store "and Vegas will never die. Vegas can't die. But June 25th, he'll die when we don't care about our boys anymore."

June 25th 2010 is in approx. 9 months. We've been waiting for this day since June 25th 2008. Well, more like March 2008. Actually, we've always been waiting. Our favorite boys will be coming home after serving missions for our church. After two long years we'll finally be back together. Eternity, one break.

Melissa and I came home from FHE tonight, and as usual I checked on our fish. There was June 25th, under a rock at the bottom. I shook the tank, I couldn't believe my eyes. June 25th didn't move. He was dead. Melissa and I started screaming, and sprinted down the street to find the rest of our roommates. Why didn't Dumbledore die instead?!??! Why June 25th???

We buried June 25th 2010 outside of Merrill Hall, where our boys lived freshman year. His tombstone is a picture of our boys that says "RIP June 25th 2010, you'll never die in our hearts." Rest in peace dear fish, but your spirit and what you represent still lives on.

We'll always be waiting for you, June 25.

I wear bows in my hair.

2009-09-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

I wear bows in my hair. Bows on headbands, bows on clips, ribbons and bows on bobby pins. I wear obnoxiously large bows and small ones, blue ones, yellow ones, white ones and pink ones. I wear bows in my hair when I go to class, when I go to the pool, when I eat out on Friday nights and when I go to the dollar theater. I wear bows a lot.

Today I was wearing a particularly awesome creme bow headband. While walking across campus, I saw a girl wearing the same headband in a different color. As we walked past each other, she gave me a high five. We plan on walking past the same spot on campus and the same time every day to evaluate our bows. New best friend?

change

2009-08-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Moving back to Provo for my Junior year at BYU tomorrow.

My bedroom is an absolute disaster. Bridesmaid dress from Sherry & Colton's wedding on Saturday is draped over a half full suitcase. There are papers and notebooks and pictures scattered all over the floor, waiting to be sorted. My drawers are empty, my walls are bare.

I'm leaving home to go back home.

Sometimes I worry this is my last summer here in California. Am I really ready to be an adult? Of course not, but who is? I'm excited, anxious, nervous... change always makes me uneasy (no matter how familiar these "changes" are).

i work in a classy part of town

2009-08-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

I’ve spent this summer working for a fee billing and revenue management software company as a Market Research Analyst, aka I spend the day inside and office with a bunch of computer nerds programming, while I made a million phone calls to important banking people that didn’t really want to talk to me.

Located in the always classy downtown area of Oakland, California, my office is right next door to Gold Teeth Masterz and Billy’s Snacks (and trust me, the kinds of snacks sold at Billy’s are not the kind of snacks that I want). Across the street there is a bank where more dead bodies come out than money goes in, and I know for a fact there is marijuana being dealt at the “dentist office” across the way.

My last day here is on Friday and I’m really going to miss the homeless people, the car crashes, the ghetto kids and the police men. I’ll be returning to Provo, Utah – the land of sober, clean college kids who are honest, hard working and just want to start a family.

The sketchiest street in Provo consists of Ozz Billiards Pool Room, a Chinese computer repair shop and a tattoo parlor that is never open. There are churches on every corner, girls in long shorts and the streets are silent on Sunday afternoons.

No matter how many times I move between California and Utah, it is always a culture shock.

"Imaginative literature is otherness, and as such alleviates loneliness"

2009-08-12T15:30:00.000-07:00

GUYS.

My friend Cassi has a blog.

http://cassi-mancini.blogspot.com/

She writes about books! Reviews, recommendations and anything else. If you like to read books and are looking for something new, go check it out.

I love her lots and I know you will too :)

2009-08-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

#dumbledore

2009-07-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

I've been trying for DAYS to come up with something coherent to say about the movie, but I just can't do it. So, this will have to do :)

My scattered thoughts on Half Blood Prince.

The opening scene with Harry and Dumbledore was brilliant. The camera's flashing everywhere, I loved it. For the first time I really felt like the characters were true to themselves. They were perfect, and everyone played their parts flawlessly. The movie was too funny. HBP is suppose to be dark, tense and everything is uncertain. I was cracking up the entire movie, but that isn't what this story is about. The tense and emotional scenes were lacking because of all the humor. Dumbledore's death was excellent, he looks so vulnerable and scared. "Do as I say Harry. Trust me." I thought Michael Gambon did very well showing how weak Dumbledore is at this moment. Draco crying and Dumbledore calming staring at him...so great. I appreciated this scene so much more when I saw it the second time. Tom Felton played Draco so well, I couldn't have asked for more. My biggest problem with the entire movie is the Harry/Snape exchange at the end, when he reveals that he is the Half Blood Prince. It was rushed and messy and had so much potential. I was very very disappointed. "PS Harry, I'm the Half Blood Prince." "Really?" "Yeah. See ya." Really guys? That scene in the book is so powerful and overwhelming, and we all know Alan Rickman could have pulled it off..what happened?

I think they've got it right, finally. And I really can't wait to see what Deathly Hallows brings.

"if she was here, she would have twitpic'd it"

2009-07-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

san francisco. 1117. forever 21. food court. jamba juice. gaint cookie cakes. bart. GMH. 2nd floor lobby. he was the bravest man i ever knew. dramadrama. starkidpotter. twitter. stairs. homeless men. cable cars. drunk people. cold stone cupcakes. seamus. sand. #dumbledore. modern art. barefoot. join the slut club babyyy. that guy from the movie. everytime we touch. music in the bathrooms. dressing up. happiness. debbielikescereal. harry potter movies. the tenderloin. 4 am. sleeping on the floor. midnight showings. ball. steve vander ark. cotton candy. GMT. singing. "crap they were gay". half blood prince. new friends. parseltounge. ghirardelli square. rockstars. "meet me in the lobby." bonfire. surprises. pizza. chris rankin. bus rides. catching smoke with your bare hands. phone calls. wizard rock fail. shoppingcon. nutella. hugs. HPH. cold. apparation. friends. azkatraz 2009.

Another convention is over, and as always my heart hurts.

This year, I stopped worrying about being "cool" or hanging out with "the right people" or any of that crap that everyone thinks is so important. I spent time with people who I love more than anything, got to know familiar faces and met some new friends. This fandom is extremely talented and genuine, and I'm always sad to say goodbye.

See you at Infinitus, my loves :)

PS GMH GMH.

dumbledore we'll fight for you tonight

2009-07-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

Slytherin tie? Check.
Wand? Check.
Obnoxiously large bow? Check.
Half-Blood Prince re-read? 150 pages left.
Fandom friends? Check.
Midnight showing tickets? Check.
Awesome wizard rock playlist? Check.
Excessive amount of #dumbledore tweets? Check.
(http://thehpalliance.org/wwdd/)

It's Half Blood Prince time, SUCKAS.

"i don't need friends mom, i have youuuuu" bahaha.

2009-07-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

My siblings and I are pretty anti-social. We have friends (a lot of them, actually), but we prefer to spend time at home. The Hosking children like to read books, watch the Discovery channel and go on the computer.

This afternoon we were sitting around the house, and a group of Abby's friends came running up the driveway. They screamed for my sister to come outside and hang out. Abby walked out the front door, waved, and then came back in.

It drives my mom crazy.

"Abby's friends came over today and she totally blew them off!" she told my dad. "Paige never talks to her friends, Jacob never wants to hang out with his, and Hannah doesn't care if she has any. I don't get it!"

How did my social soccer playing high school cheerleader mom get stuck with four nerdy kids who don't feel the need to hang out with their friends all the time? Beats me. But I find it hilarious.

books books books

2009-06-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

hello, summer :)

2009-06-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about moving to NYC a lot in the past year.

Two years. I'll graduate from BYU then I'll go.

Just watch me.

summer

2009-06-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

watching band of brothers with the family.
applying for a million jobs.
driving around with the sisters, blasting miley cyrus.
reading outside on the trampoline.
hiking in the mornings.

perfection?

we were only kids & we were best of friends

2009-05-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

Our world is changing.

'cause everytime we touch i get this feeeeling

2009-05-21T22:24:00.001-07:00

As I sit here sulking, because most of my favorite people in the world are currently in Boston and I'm stuck alone at home, I can't help but think - I'm the luckiest person in the world.

Cons have been on my mind these past few days, and for good reason. Summer is beginning, and "con season" is on the rise. Booking flights and figuring out hotel rooms, it's hard not to catch the feaver. But, we're all pros at this now, right?

From Lumos 2006 in Las Vegas to Terminus 2008 in Chicago some of the best moments of my life have happened with the best people in the world. From meeting everyone to the first time to screaming in the lobby after a year apart, from dancing in 514 to screaming Don't Stop Believing, from riding down escalators yelling "expelliarmus!!" to watching the news in the elevator. These are the moments that define our LIVES.

I wouldn't be who I am today without 3am pillow talks or hug attacks in the lobby. I wouldn't be who I am without phone calls of "can you find me? I don't know where I am" and running to the grocery store to buy poptarts. Mostly I wouldn't be who I am today without the people that made getting lost in Little Falls, NY one of the greatest adventures of all time, or the people who screamed The Weapon with me at Prominus, or any of you at all. So thank you. Thank you for being obnoxious in hotels with me, for spending hundreds of dollars and traveling thousands of miles just to hear "hey, meet me in the lobby in two minutes!"

The Boston invasion may be underway, but San Francisco has yet to be conquered. See you all at Azkatraz :)

what do you mean Harry Potter isn't real?

2009-01-27T15:13:00.000-08:00

I'll admit that while walking around campus listening to my iPod, I frequently forget where I am, or where I'm going. This afternoon was no different.

While walking from the library to my apartment, my iPod on shuffle, Hank Green's Accio Deathly Hallows began to play. With a skip in my step, I began humming this song, thinking of Chicago, Summer 2007 and other days long past. My humming turned to mouthing the lyrics, my mouthing to whispering, and apparently my whispering became louder and louder. After singing I couldn't care less about Harry Potter if Hogwarts was my alma mater (at the top of my lungs, apparently)I looked around, and everyone was staring at me. I paused the song, and was thrust back into reality.

I figured I had three options at this point. One, I could keep singing and continue on my way home. Two, I could publicly apologize for "disturbing the peace" or three, I could start singing Lean Like A Cholo, the next song on my iPod, and attempt to redeem myself. I did neither. Instead, I tripped down the stairs as I tried running away from the situation.

Well, I guess becoming "that weird Harry Potter girl" here at BYU was inevitable. Maybe if I continue to build this reputation, they'll start letting me bring my wand to class.

The Talk.

2009-01-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

Today I was at work, making brownies as usual. One of my co-workers was in the back, washing dishes. We’d never really spoken before, but we’d been working on the same shift for months. I was cleaning things up when she came over.

“Have I ever told you about my boyfriend? Er, ex-boyfriend now.”

I knew it was time. Time for “the talk”. No, not the talk your parents give you about the birds and the bees in elementary school that makes you feel like throwing up because boys still have cooties, this is the other talk, the girls have before coming friends. Never fail, in order for one female to bond with another, the two must discuss boys. And not just “I have a wonderful boyfriend!” or “I’m going on a date with this super cute guy tonight!” This is a discussion of a history all girls share, the history of crappy boys who have done crappy things.

“No, you never told me about him” I replied (had she ever told me anything?)
“Well, you’ve got to hear this.”

She proceeded to tell me about her psycho now ex boyfriend who was such a jerk. He yelled at her, he never called when he promised, he was controlling and lazy. I nodded my head in sympathy as she told me all the horrible things he had done to her. I found myself saying things like “he totally doesn’t deserve you” and “you’re so much better than him” and then it hit me. I didn’t know this girl. I’d never talked to her before, but I’m taking her side without question. For all I know she could be the crazy one, and her boyfriend could be the saint.

But that didn’t matter. It’s what holds us girls together, united for a cause (heartache to heartache we stand?).

I may never talk to this girl again, but I do know one thing. If I ever meet a boy named Mike from Arizona… I’ll steer clear.

2008-12-26T23:33:00.000-08:00

After spending the past three years on LiveJournal, whining to my f-list about school, boys and growing up in general, I decided it was time I stepped into a more public arena. I've got more interesting things to say then "so and so at work is obnoxious" or "whyyyyy isn't it summer yettttt I miss everyooooneee" and it's about time I share it. Never fear, if you enjoy this whiny side, then go request to be my friend (misshannahmarin.livejournal.com). If not, then you're in the right place.

Expect a real update in the next couple of days, my friends :)